I, like a lot of us, experienced a rough couple of years - my company closing my office, breast cancer, moving (twice), taking a job thinking that at 60 I had limited opportunities (wrong!), my dad declining health and eventual passing, etc....good things, too. One of those blessings just turned 2!
After my lumpectomy in June of 2019, I moved back to the greater Seattle and started a job in a healthcare organization on Beacon Hill. By September I was going to work and taking my lunch hour to drive to Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, get my 15 minute radiation treatment, and go back to work. Weekends were spent driving to Wenatchee to be with my Dad and give my sister a break. And my job was a character building experience...ugh.
My brain was generating a daily to-do list, checking off from morning to night.....1,2,3...check, check, check. I made thru Monday, Tuesday,..... surviving each day until you are not even thinking...check, check, check. September, October, November...check, check, check....then March and my Dad passes....then COVID.
I was completely burned out, scarred and exhausted. Mostly I was numb. My mind turned off my feelings.
A good friend and counselor asked me if I was mad at God.
My answer?
Yes! but He's God so He can take it!
The Bible is full of people who were shouting to the heavens "why me? why am I going through this? God, are you even listening to me?" How many of the faithful have been in the pit and thought "well, that's it! Here I am! I've been faithful and God has left me here!"
God didn't leave them there; God didn't say "your faith wasn't strong enough; you were angry and didn't believe!" No, He lifted them to the pinnacle. God used the pit to prepare them for the heights they were to achieve....no matter how angry they were at being in the pit!
I can honestly say it is easier looking back down the trail once you've climbed up the some of the mountain. In the valley, it is very hard to believe you will see that view.
I'm alive and 2.5 years into my cancer recovery. I love and I am well loved in return. I have family and friends. My children and their significant others are really wonderful people. And there is the best gift of 2019....my granddaughter!
I was mad at God - only because I couldn't see how high He would take me up the mountain.
You are such an inspiration Shannon. My life is so much fuller because of your presence in it...even if it is a post, or a blog, or comments on my posts, or common friends. It's the energy, heart, and spirit I can feel in your words. You matter to me. Aloha my sweet friend.
Terri