September 6, 2019 and its my first day of radiation treatment at Seattle Cancer Care. I went into the treatment area to get fitted for the foam cradle that holds you in-place for your radiation treatments, for that vital 15 minutes of being blasted by invisible "phaser beams" to kill off the cluster of cancer cells that might have hung around after the lumpectomy.
I sat in the waiting area and looked around at the other patients. Some were at the beginning of their treatments both hopeful and scared; some were going through their 2nd or 3rd or 4th cycle of treatment, looking tired, fragile and resigned to the eventual pain; some were doing treatments that intense isn't a strong enough word.
Me? I had read everything about what I could expect. I repeated in my head that "my cancer was caught early," "Very high rate of total cure," "PNW is the best place to be if you have cancer," etc. I had my radiation schedule - every week day for six weeks, during my lunch hour I would drive from Beacon Hill to SCCA, have my treatment, and return to work.
Looking around that waiting room, I was scared and my first thought was, "I have to be positive, I have to show everyone that I'm super woman, I got this!"
That worked for about 10 visits, until the fatigue and burns started. I was working full time; heading to Wenatchee to help with my Dad's declining health on weekends..."no rest for the wicked" I would say with a wink. The redness from treatment was spreading up my neck, across my breast, and under my right arm...all my clothes felt scratchy, I was starting to cover my neck and necklines with scarves. I was tired down to my bones and too stubborn to ask for help. God forbid I appear "weak!" I was the warrior, just like the Ford commercials tell you!
Treatment 11 was different...I was driving from the office to SCCA, giving myself the usual positivity pep talk, but it sure wasn't feeling real. The words tasted sour in my mouth. I checked in at the radiation desk and slumped into the chair, still playing that positivity record in my head. The Tech came out and took me back to the changing room and then to the treatment room.
I'm stripped to the waist down, lying on my back, arms over my head in the cradle, getting lined up so the phaser would hit the exact right spot and the Tech over the speaker asked me what music I wanted to hear....Music...hmmm
"Opportunity by Eminem"
I hear a "hell, yes!" from the Techs
"...look
If you had
One Shot
Or one Opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
in one moment
Would you capture it
Or just let it slip....
...You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go..."
I'm smiling, tears sliding down the corners of my eyes.... I realized how GRATEFUL I was to be there. I didn't need to have a "fake 'til you make it Positive Attitude"....that was total bullshit. That was my ego, that was my pride, that was the f-ing Susan G. Komen/Breast Cancer Awareness/Ford commercial telling me I was a warrior and a hero...I am not.
I am just a woman with breast cancer who is grateful to have caught it early and grateful to have treatment and grateful for the radiation Techs who are doing the front line work. I was grateful to spend my lunch hour, being naked in front of total strangers who were working hard to save my life and listening to a really good song about seizing the moment. Seriously, Eminem should be studied in every Lit Class as a poet.
Gratitude did not require me to put on a show or carry those invisible pom-poms! I wasn't responsible to make sure everyone else was ok with me having cancer (yeah, that's a thing...more on that later).
Gratitude just required me to live in the moment. To view the reality of any situation and still be able to say "I'm glad I'm here, no matter what, I am grateful to be here right in this moment."
"Go Gratitude! #$%@ Positivity!
Note: special thanks to Ada and Nathan, Wakes Life and all my fellow Gratitude Birdies! #wakeslife
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